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What to say

How to reply to a difficult message from family

Someone in your family has sent a message that is critical, guilt-laden or heavy with history.

You want to answer without starting a row or giving in to something you do not agree with.

What is usually going on

Family messages carry years of context, so the words are rarely the whole message. A sharp text from a parent is often worry or hurt in disguise. A guilt trip is usually a request that has not been asked directly. Before you reply, work out what they actually want from you, then decide what you are willing to give. You do not have to answer every point or answer tonight. A short reply that acknowledges the feeling and holds your position does more than a point-by-point rebuttal.

Replies by what you want to happen

Lower the temperature first

I can hear you're upset. I don't want to argue over text. Can I ring you tomorrow?

I love you and I'm not ignoring this. I just need a bit of time to reply properly.

I think we're both a bit wound up. Let's talk at the weekend when we've had a breather.

Moving it to a call is often the kindest answer to a long, heated text.

Hold a boundary without a fight

I know you'd like us there for Christmas. We've decided to stay at home this year. We'd love to come up on the 28th instead.

I'm not going to discuss [topic] by message. Happy to talk about anything else.

I hear you. My decision hasn't changed but I'd still love to see you on [day].

Say what you will do, not only what you won't. It gives them something to say yes to.

Repair it after it went wrong

I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. I was frustrated and it came out badly.

I didn't like how that conversation went. Can we start again?

I still see [topic] differently but I don't want it to come between us.

Apologise for how you said it. You do not have to apologise for what you believe.

What not to send

  • A reply to every point in their message. It turns one hurt feeling into a list of arguments.
  • "You always" or "you never". They will argue with the always and miss the point.
  • A screenshot of their message forwarded to the rest of the family. Now everyone has a side to take.
  • A reply at midnight while you are still angry. Family messages get reread for years.
  • Weeks of silence as the only answer. They will fill the silence with the worst version of what you think.

More worked examples

Text messageDifficult family message

They said: mum says you cant do sunday lunch again

They said: you know she only asks once a month right

They said: must be nice being that busy

Read the room

Your sibling is stepping in for your mum and the last line is a dig. Underneath it is a fair point about how often it has happened. Answer the point, ignore the dig and offer a date.

Take the fair point

Yeah I know, I've missed a few. I'll call her tonight and sort a Sunday that works.

Set the record straight

I'm not dodging her, it's genuinely been a mad month. I'll be there on the 16th.

Name the dig

That's a bit unfair. I'm sorting it with mum directly, no need to go through you

Questions

How do I respond to a guilt trip from my parents?

Name the feeling, then restate your decision with something you can offer: "I know you're disappointed. We're not coming this weekend but we can do the following one." Do not defend the decision at length. The more you justify it, the more it sounds open to negotiation.

Should I reply to family by text or call them?

Text is good for a short, calm holding reply. Anything with real feelings on both sides usually goes better as a call or in person, where tone does not get lost. A text that says you would like to talk is often the right first step.

How do I reply to a passive-aggressive message from my mother-in-law?

Answer the literal message and ignore the dig. Respond to what she asked or said, warmly and briefly. Leave the subtext alone. If it becomes a pattern, it is usually better raised by your partner than by you over text. Screenshots and long replies tend to become the next argument.

What if they keep bringing it up?

Use the same short line each time rather than a new argument: "I've made my decision and I'd rather not go over it again." Consistency is what eventually ends it. A different reason every time keeps it alive. If it is starting to affect how you feel about seeing them, say that once, calmly, ideally in person.

Related situations

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