What to say
How to respond to an apology
Someone has said sorry, by text.
You are not sure whether to accept it, how warmly or how to say you are still hurt.
What is usually going on
A good apology names what happened, takes it on and does not ask you to make them feel better. Many text apologies manage half of that. Before you reply, separate two questions: do you believe they mean it and are you ready to move on? They can have different answers. You can accept an apology and still need time. You can also acknowledge one without accepting it. “Thank you for saying that” is honest and costs nothing. The reply that tends to backfire is “it’s fine” when it is not fine. The issue comes back later and the apology is no longer attached to it. Watch for the non-apology too. “Sorry you feel that way” and “sorry if I upset you” apologise for your reaction rather than for what they did. You can still reply graciously. Just do not treat it as the real thing. And if the same apology keeps arriving for the same behaviour, the words have stopped meaning much. At that point your reply can be about the pattern rather than the sorry.
Replies by what you want to happen
Accept it and move on
Thanks for saying that. I appreciate it. We’re good.
Apology accepted. Let’s put it behind us.
Thank you, that means a lot. Pint on Friday?
If you are genuinely past it, make that clear. A plan at the end shows it.
Accept it but say you’re hurt
Thank you for apologising. I do appreciate it. I’m still a bit sore about it, so give me a few days.
I appreciate that. I want to move past it. It might just take me a little while.
Both things are true at once. Saying so now saves a second row later.
Acknowledge it without accepting
Thanks for the message. I need some time before I’m ready to talk about it.
I’ve read it and I appreciate you reaching out. I’m not there yet.
Honest about where you are. Kinder in the long run than a forced “it’s fine”.
What not to send
- “It’s fine” when it is not. It closes the topic without closing the hurt.
- A point-by-point recap of what they did. They already know and it restarts the row.
- “You should be sorry.” It may be true. It still turns an apology into a scolding.
- An apology of your own for their mistake, just to smooth it over. It muddies who did what and the hurt stays.
Questions
How do I respond to an apology when I’m still hurt?
Thank them and be honest about the time it will take: “I appreciate that. I’m still a bit sore, so give me a few days.” That accepts the gesture without pretending the feeling has gone.
How do I respond to an apology at work?
Keep it short and move to the fix. “Thanks for flagging it. Can we make sure the new date holds?” Professional apologies are about the next step, not the feeling. If others were copied in on the mistake, there is no need to make a show of forgiving them in front of everyone.
What if the apology isn’t sincere?
“Sorry you feel that way” is not an apology for what happened. You can reply to the words without accepting the dodge: “Thanks. What I needed to hear was that it won’t happen again.”
Do I have to accept an apology?
No. You can acknowledge it and say you are not ready. Forgiveness on a deadline rarely holds. Just be clear, so they are not left guessing. If you know you never will, it is fairer to say so gently than to leave them waiting.
Related situations
Get this in your keyboard
Breezily reads the message, tells you what is going on and gives you replies to pick from. In Chrome today. Keyboards for iPhone and Android on the way.